Crusader (Battle Born Book 1) Page 15

  Her uncertainty was driving him crazy. He didn’t want her to feel nervous and unsure. He wanted her snuggled against his chest, content and secure. “The need to bond is often so strong, they can’t think of anything else. It’s only after they’ve indulged their physical desires that they’re calm enough for the memory exchange.”

  “Are you…” She looked into his eyes as desire sparked within her curiosity. He could see it in her expressive gaze and smell the unmistakable scent of her body’s awakening. “Do you really want me that badly?”

  “Gods, yes.” He grasped her upper arms and pulled her closer before he could stop the impulse. She gasped and he set his back teeth, forcing himself to release her. “But I’ll wait. I’ll give you all the time you need.” She nodded, but didn’t speak, so he motioned toward the sitting area. “Slip off your shoes. I still owe you a foot message.”

  She sat in one of the upholstered chairs and he pulled the other around so he could face her. “You don’t really have to rub my feet.”

  “I want to.” It would help her relax and, hopefully, the physical contact would be enough to keep him from pouncing on her. He watched her silently as she slipped off her shoes and pulled off her socks. Her movements were still somewhat reluctant, so he tried a little humor. “You can keep going if you like. I’ll happy rub anything you’re willing to bare.”

  Her lips twitched then parted in a sweetly innocent smile. He knew she wasn’t yet thirty, but she looked even younger right then. “A foot rub is all I agreed to.”

  “Well, the offer is always open, if you change your mind.” He reached down and lifted her feet onto his lap. “Can I ask a personal question?”

  One of her brows arched as she settled against the back of her chair and let her legs relax. “I’m not obligated to answer, but you’re welcome to ask.”

  “Are you still a virgin?”

  Her laugh sounded forced and she looked away as she said, “You think I’m a virgin because I won’t sleep with you? Yeah, that’s not arrogant at all.” He rubbed her instep firmly with his thumb, encouraging her body to release its tension. She moaned and closed her eyes. “Wow. That feels amazing.”

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  “No. I’m not a virgin.” She didn’t open her eyes so he kept rubbing. “I’m not afraid of sex, if that’s what you’re inferring. I just like for it to mean more than scratching an itch.”

  The description made him smile and he let the subject drop for the time being. She wouldn’t consider a physical relationship until they knew each other better, so his top priority was providing her with what she needed to feel more comfortable.

  With Rodytes there was far less uncertainty. Instinct guided them to a mate who not only appealed to them physically, but would complement their personality and increased their chances of producing healthy offspring. Even if he explained this to her, she wouldn’t believe it was possible. She wasn’t Rodyte.

  “There are a couple of ways we can do this,” he told her. “I can pass you the memories one at a time, or I can guide you into my mind so you can wander at will. The exchange will be more controlled if I pass them to you.”

  “Let’s start slow, let me see how it feels.”

  Lust surged as his sex-starved brain provided alternate meanings for her innocent suggestion. He was more than willing to start slowly, to awaken her sense gradually until she was begging to “see how it feels”. Heat cascaded through his body and he squeezed her foot so hard she flinched. “Sorry. Let me get the link established and then I’ll resume your massage.”

  “All right.”

  She started to open her eyes, but he stopped her. “Keep them closed. Your brain isn’t used to processing this sort of input. It might be disorienting until you get used to it.” She nodded again, so he commanded the nanites to expand the link. Her lips parted and she inhaled sharply. “It shouldn’t hurt. Are you in pain?”

  “No. It just feels really strange.” She fidgeted in her chair, her body gently undulating. He snapped his gaze back to her face and kept it there. She was just too damn tempting. “I could sense you before, but you were like an echo or an image from a dream. You’re so much more real now. I can almost feel your heartbeat.”

  He wanted to feel her heartbeat beneath his palm or her lips pressed against his chest as he sank deep into her soft body. “That just means the link is working. Let’s try a static image.” It took a minute to find an image that wasn’t sexual. He had to control this hunger if he ever hoped to earn her trust. And that was the reason for this exercise. He wanted her to trust him, to feel comfortable and secure when they were together. Purging his mind with a deep breath, he carefully passed her an image. “What do you see?”

  “An adorable little boy.” A dreamy smile bowed her lips. “Is that you?”

  “It is.” He stood in front of a massive pertton tree holding a wooden sword. “I must have been five. It was shortly before I left for basic training.”

  Her eyes flew open and her head came up off the back of the chair. “Your military training began when you were five?”

  He shook his head, warmed by her concern. “I was educated at a military facility. My military training didn’t begin until I was fifteen.”

  “Fifteen is still awfully young.”

  “Adolescent males require structure and discipline. It develops character.”

  She returned to the more relaxed pose, but her eyes reflected her doubt. “Sounds like a conditioned response. Do you honestly believe that?”

  “I do. Left to their own devices, adolescent males are basically destructive.”

  “I’ve known some adolescent females who left their male counterparts in the dust.”

  His eyebrows arched. “Were you one of them?”

  She shook her head as her eyelids drifted shut. “My life was so regulated I didn’t have the opportunity to misbehave. But this is about you. Show me more.”

  He passed her several images in quick succession. His eight-year-old self chased his brothers through the woods outside their father’s estate; they sat at their father’s feet as he told them a story, and then he and Zilor stood before their father dressed in identical uniforms. “My childhood was rather boring,” he concluded.

  “I know your older brother is Garin. What’s your younger brother’s name?”

  “Zilor.”

  “He was a beautiful boy.”

  He chuckled, well used to females reacting to Zilor. “He’s still too pretty to be male.”

  “Really? Let me see a current image of him.”

  Trying not to be jealous, he showed her Zilor as he’d been last time Bandar saw him. Dressed in the black-and-gold uniform of the Rodyte Planetary Defense Force.

  “Wow. You weren’t kidding. He could make a fortune off that face on Earth.” She shifted in her seat and opened her eyes. “Is it a family tradition to join the military? I didn’t realize all three of you had chosen that profession.”

  Chosen? He tensed as he realized just how alien the concept was to him. “Garin had options and was allowed to choose. Zilor and I accepted the fate our father decreed for his battle born sons. We knew from an early age that we’d serve the RPDF.”

  “RPDF?”

  “Rodyte Planetary Defense Force.”

  “What would you have done if you had the choice?”

  It took him a minute to admit the truth. “I don’t know. I knew I had no other choice, so I saw no reason to think about it.”

  Her gaze narrowed and compassion warmed her eyes. “I don’t believe you, but we’ll let it go for now. Show me what your life has been like since you ‘accepted your fate’.”

  There was just enough sarcasm in her tone to stress her disbelief. She was right, of course. So much of a soldier’s life was waiting around between battles. It was almost inevitable that he would dream of a life full of choices and freedoms he had never known.

  Rather than dwell on his discontent, he selected a variety
of images, carefully avoiding those situations that revealed too much. He sent them across their link in a gradual stream.

  She accepted each one, watching and experiencing the events without judgment or resistance. Then suddenly, he felt her pull away.

  “You’re holding back.” She eased her feet off his lap and lowered them to the floor. “I’m sure practice fights and camaraderie are a big part of your life, but where are the conflicts, the challenges? Have you ever lost your temper or disobeyed an order? What about women? Are you still a virgin?”

  If he bombarded her with sexual images, would she lose interest in the exchange? He should have realized she wouldn’t be satisfied with a sanitized version of his past. She’d revealed the skeletons in her closet and now she expected him to do the same. “All right. I’ll guide you across the link and you can wander at will.”

  Ashley braced for a mental deluge, but Bandar was incredibly gentle. His energy flowed into her mind, creating a sense of intimacy she’d never experienced before. She closed her eyes and relaxed back in the chair, letting him pull her along. There was a brief moment of silence and then she was surrounded by emotions, thoughts, images and random facts. The housekeeper was married to the chief of security. They’d once had a pet legotta named Keller. Then she saw a shaggy creature with bright green eyes and big floppy ears about the size of a Shetland pony. If that was Keller, it was no wonder Bandar had been confused by the concept of house pets. Bandar’s father’s first name was Harton. Like an immersive virtual reality, sensations swarmed her, every bit as tangible as her own, yet projected at her rather than originating from inside her.

  “Focus on anything you want to explore and the other images will fade.”

  She nodded, then realized he wouldn’t be able to see her if his eyes were also closed. “All right.”

  It was easy to decide what she wanted to see. His resistance told her where to find the interesting situations. The first area he tried to protect was nearly back to his childhood. Bandar looked about twelve or thirteen. His features had just started to mature. He and his brothers were creeping through their father’s office, stumbling over the furniture as they made their way through the darkened room. It wasn’t clear why they were there or why they didn’t turn on the lights, but Garin snapped at Zilor, warning him to be quiet. Zilor shoved Garin in response and Garin shoved back. Zilor’s arms flailed as he tried to catch his balance and one of his hands caught an object proudly displayed on the corner of their father’s desk. The object flew off the desk and crashed against the nearest wall. Ashley couldn’t see the object clearly, but it appeared to be some sort of statue.

  The scene shifted, the office was light. The three boys stood before their father’s desk hands clasped behind their backs. Zilor and Bandar were dressed in identical uniforms, but Garin’s uniform was blue rather than gray.

  “Confess and your punishment will be lessened.” Anger and demand snapped through Harton Nox’s deep voice. Was his appearance shaped by Bandar’s perception or were his features really that imposing? With ultra-short hair, flashing blue-ringed eyes, and squared shoulders, he looked more drill sergeant than father. “I will not abide liars and miscreants!”

  Bandar stepped forward, his young face devoid of emotion. Ashley’s heart clenched. He was still a child and already he’d learned how to hide his feelings. “It was an accident, sir. I tripped on the edge of the rug and my hand caught the statue. I should not have been in your office without permission. I accept responsibility for what I’ve done.”

  After a momentary pause, Harton dismissed his other two sons with an impatient nod toward the door. Zilor hesitated, his wide, frightened gaze fixed on Bandar. Garin grabbed his arm and pulled him from the room as Bandar stoically waited for his punishment.

  “Why did you lie for him?” She opened her eyes, but he was staring off into the distance, obviously lost in the past. “And why were you in your father’s office in the first place?”

  “There was a blind spot on the surveillance coverage outside my father’s office. Garin had rigged it so we could crawl in and out the window without setting off the alarms. We did it frequently that summer. Then Father realized what we were doing and ended our fun.”

  He still didn’t look at her, so she asked, “What did Zilor break? Your father seemed good and steamed about it.”

  “My father’s youngest brother is an archeologist.” His gaze finally returned to her, but memories still haunted his expression. “The statue was the likeness of one of our ancient gods. It was a priceless piece of history. My father was furious.”

  “If the statue meant that much to him, you had to have known he’d flip out. So why’d you cover for Zilor?”

  He shrugged, but his indifference seemed forced. “It was a hard summer for Zilor. He’d just been punished for being disrespectful to one of his instructors. I knew Father wouldn’t deal with me as harshly as he’d deal with Zilor. The kid needed a break, so I protected him.”

  She smiled, encouraging his openness. “That was very noble.”

  “I learned to be protective from Garin. He’d been my whipping boy more than once.”

  The brothers were obviously close, yet already distinctions were being made. “Why was Garin’s uniform a different color?” She suspected she knew, but she needed to hear it.

  “He went to a different school, one Zilor and I weren’t allowed to attend.”

  He didn’t need to say more. He’d already explained why Garin received preferential treatment. She just hadn’t realized it had started so young or that the differences had been so glaring.

  Rather than dwell on the injustice, she let her eyes drift shut again. She floated through countless situations, shocked by the sameness of it all. Bandar’s life had been repetitive and strictly ordered. There were family outings, but those scenes became more and more infrequent as the boys became young men. Bandar managed to spend more time with Zilor because they attended the same schools. Garin, on the other hand, was relegated to holochats and holidays, and Bandar missed him very much.

  He was barely old enough to grow a beard when flashes of combat entered the scenes. She almost asked how old he was when he first fired a weapon then decided she didn’t want to know. The brutality seemed to ebb and flow. There was nothing but battle scene after battle scene for what seemed like forever and then long stretches of training and boredom. The training wasn’t much better than the actual battles. Bandar’s life had been incredibly violent.

  He tried to steer her away from a particularly bloody battle, but his efforts made her even more curious. She delved deeper into the memory until smoke stung her eyes and the bitter taste of blood filled her mouth. None of the other memories had been this detailed. Something about this incident had imprinted this event on Bandar’s mind. His pain shot through her body, yet his rage and utter focus drove them onward. He stumbled over uneven ground and moaning bodies, shooting a pulse rifle with one arm while he steadied a fallen comrade with the other. The other soldier was draped over Bandar’s shoulder. They were both covered in blood. When he reached the relative safety of a small ship, he lowered the wounded soldier to the ground and prepared to run back the way he’d come.

  A hand grabbed his arm as a sharp voice commanded, “Get on board. I called the retreat.”

  “But Phaton and Terrce are still out there,” Bandar shouted above the roar of the ship’s engines.

  “They’re lost, Nox. Get on board. That’s an order!”

  Fury and grief forced her out of the memory, leaving her breathless and dazed. She had to blink back tears when she opened her eyes.

  “He was a useless coward.” Bandar made it sound like a snarl. “And I made damn sure the higher ups heard about what he’d done.”

  “Good for you.” She offered a wan smile, but she was still shaken by the intensity of his emotions. Knowing he was a soldier and experiencing even a glimpse of what he actually went through were two very different things.

 
He closed his eyes, obviously waiting for her to continue her exploration. She flowed for a time, allowing him to guide her progress. He matured and advanced, was soon giving orders rather than receiving them. She stumbled across another dark scene and felt his mental pull, drawing her in another direction.

  “Why are you guarding this one?” She didn’t want to intrude if it was something he wasn’t ready to share. He’d been respectful while she shared her past with him, and she’d poked and prodded in return.

  “It’s just…” He sighed and let her in.

  Bandar sat on a platform with four other uniformed soldiers. They each looked ridiculously handsome, yet overly serious. She wasn’t sure what the ceremony signified, but it was obvious the men were being honored. The image shifted to Bandar’s perspective as he looked out over the crowd. He spotted Garin and Zilor, but his heart fell when he realized his father wasn’t there.

  His hushed voice drew her back to the present. “Father was a very busy man. His responsibilities were legitimate and demanding. It wouldn’t have bothered me if his limited time had been divided evenly. But he always made time for Garin, while Zilor and I received attention only when nothing else was going on.”

  “That would piss me off too.” He was trying to minimize it, but she could feel how badly the inequity hurt him and how prominently it played into his current attitudes and aspirations. As he’d said, the battle born had been forsaken when they proved less useful than originally anticipated. The prejudice was wrong and Bandar intended to correct the mistake. He hungered for choices, rights and freedoms he had never known.

  Easing back into his memories, she was disturbed again by the endless repetition. He laughed and harassed his companions, playing games of chance to pass the time. But more than anything, she felt the loneliness and his burning desire for something more meaningful.

  She felt a blast of resistance as she neared another shadowy scene.

  “Don’t.”

  The finality in his tone made her open her eyes. “Why not?”